High quality media exposure as spun by truth cowboys at Just In Time PR was today proven to travel faster than light and to have the potential to reach beyond the estimated 93 billion mile diameter of the observable universe.

For years, humanityhas tried to reach out to other non-intelligent life forms,blastingmetal canisters containing David Bowie CDs, packets of fags, dog-eared copies of Razzle and pictures of Caesar (not the one where he was being knifed) into spaceusinghigh-powered - and highly flammable - rocketry.

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High quality media exposure was today shown to travel up to 1000 times faster than an old copy of Razzle and a pack of Benny Hedgehogs.[/caption]

Top-drawer PR spin

But such measures have now been shownto be a complete waste of time.

It has now been proven, empirically, and using logic, that humanity's only hopeof ever touching the edges of distant galaxies — and arguably the hands of God —now depends on top-drawer PR spin.

"While arseholed one night," claimed washed-out PR legend, Dominic Hiatt, "it struck me, almost out of nowhere, that
was barking up the wrong tree.

High quality media exposure

"His claim that there isa proportional relationship between Cepheids in distant galaxies and how much the light from those galaxies isredshifted is absolute bollocks. He's overthinking it.

"The reality is much simpler: a pretty average client story spuninto apiece of high quality media exposure by a truth cowboy will 'pulsate' approximately 2000 times faster than even the brightest Cepheid variable.

"In other words, our only chance of finding aliens is through talking shit and getting away with it."

The alco-fuelled public relations fluffy continued:"The other day, for example, I got a full page client profile in the FTon the back of a thoroughly average, but incrediblywellspunstory.

"Later that evening, while I was at home doing some research on the internet, the following words in known alien language,
, flashed acrossmy screen.

"I leapt out of my chair in terror and ran screaming for the door, faceplanting in the hallwaybecause my trouserswere around my ankles.

"But the splinteredjaw was worth it: due to the selfless labours of the PR industry, we now know that somewhere out there, someone or some
is watching us and keen to make contact.