Top London PR agency seeks hell-raiser to join team

Top London PR agency, Just In Time PR, is recruiting.

We’re looking for a ‘Senior Account Manager’, whatever the hell that is.

So if you’d like to work for a company run by a fat bloke with a drink problem and a moral compass that only ever points south, you can apply here today.

Well, not all of you.

If you have principles and take offence easily, then this role categorically won’t be for you.

Guardian readers, teetotallers and anyone who believes in the afterlife almost certainly won’t fit in.

Not that we’d give them the time of day anyway.

OK, so here we go. Your chances of landing the job will rise with each box below that you tick.

My perfect CV

  • You’ll be on anti-depressants, and probably will have been for a number of years. People who need drugs to keep them going are generally the most interesting.
  • You couldn’t care less about global warming. In fact, if a meteorite the size of Mexico slammed into our planet tomorrow, you’d rejoice.
  • You’ve got panache. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if you have a first class degree from Cambridge or a Grade 4 CSE in pottery: a bit of swagger and a disturbed sense of humour are all we’re looking for. In 30 years’ time I’ll be as dead as the stars so I need to get my laughs in now.
  • You’ll have an alcohol problem. OK, maybe not quite Leaving Las Vegas as you’re no use to me in a vase, but you’ve certainly got it in you and are only ever one drink away from oblivion. Your entire character will change after round number 7 and all hell will let loose.
  • You’ll have had a number of run-ins with the law and will have spent at least one night in a police cell. A history of drunken disorderly is ideal.
  • You’ll be unafraid to express yourself openly in the office, however bankrupt and distressing your views. Moderation and a sense of perspective are not tolerated.
  • You can fart and chew gum at the same time*.

So, the list above should give you an idea of what we’re looking for. If it doesn’t, I’m not quite sure where this is going.

Maybe try the third sector.

Oh, and if you still feel you’re suited to this role, then for Christ’s sake don’t send an email or call me. Just rock up, barge past security and grab a desk.

There’s plenty of them because we’re losing staff at a rate of knots.

I’m joking, of course. We’re actually lovely people who will employ anyone from anywhere, whatever their worldview and political leanings. Someone even wore patchouli oil in the office once and nobody said a thing. We’re actually growing, too (I know, I can’t believe it myself).

*I didn’t say this, President Lyndon B. Johnson did, about future President Gerald Ford.

Update: if you’d like to see the two best cover letters sent in response to this job ad, you can read them here

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38 Comments

  1. Posted October 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

    Typical, it sounds made for me. Maybe I can get myself fired.

  2. Posted October 9, 2013 at 11:30 am | Permalink

    Yep. I’ll take the job.

    I won’t be coming into your shitty offices though.
    Or doing any work.

    Just send the cheques – straight to my local would be good.
    Bastards.

    • Posted October 9, 2013 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

      Now that is what I’m after – well done that man. You would fit in perfectly. Chapeau.

  3. Posted October 10, 2013 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    All very well raising hell but what about a decent pension and travel card

  4. Sue Fairbairn
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    You need me.

  5. Sue
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 4:14 pm | Permalink

    This I’d the job I have been looking for all my life! Most of the day spent talking about the he’ll we raised the night before, the rest of the day spent explaining to the boss how I will show him how to really party and drink him under the table. If you think you can handle this woman in your office contact me with your offer of employment !

  6. Tania
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 7:22 pm | Permalink

    Awesome! Celexa, Prozac and Zoloft are my best friends!
    I really think I should send you my CV, but I am about to go out . . . and I can’t miss Thirsty Thursday night!!!
    Will drop you an email tomorrow if I am not too hangover.

  7. CC
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 7:40 pm | Permalink

    check your email.

  8. Ian @ the Nags Head
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 8:09 pm | Permalink

    Because I’m a greedy b@stard, how much are you offering me for my awesome insight (I need a drink) and great people skills (It’s your round)?

    I also boast the following skillset.
    1. Management and teamwork experience = “lunchtime session anyone?”
    2. Financial skills = I’ll get the first round (but only the first round)
    3. Multitasking abilities = I can drink eight pints while placing stories in the best media in the UK
    4. Extraneous knowledge = mostly learned on the quiz machine, which I always win money from
    5. Math competency = I can calculate football, horse racing and poker odds at the drop of hat
    6. Tenacity = I can hold down a job despite my many failings
    7. Discretion and good judgment = what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
    8. Common sense, perception and intuition = somehow I pay my mortgage every month, spot good stories and place great copy
    9. Creativity = I pretty much make it up as I go along.

    I’m not emailing you, as frankly I don’t think you can be arsed reading my CV along with all the other drivel you’ll get, but email me for my phone number and I’ll happily have a chat.

    • Posted October 10, 2013 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

      That’s exactly the kind of brassy initiative I’m after. I’ll email you over the weekend when I catch up with my arse.

  9. mandy
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    If only this job was real!!, I’m so desperate I’ll take anythin, just my dissing luck!!! :(

  10. mandy
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    Sodding luck I mean,,, grrrr stupid spell cheak lol

  11. mandy
    Posted October 10, 2013 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

    Would shagging the boss get me the job??? ;) …………..told u I was desperate !!! :)

  12. Tara
    Posted October 11, 2013 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    I mean, I’d love to apply but I’m lacking in a few areas.

    1. I’ve never had a run down with the police, that’s not because I’m not bad ass, it’s because I’m a pro and haven’t got caught.
    2. Sod waiting for round 7, I’m all about hell after round 3. Maybe that makes me weak, I just think you might aswell go for gold or blackout, whatever comes first.
    3. Not on anti depressants, I’m all about drugs that make you happy.

    If that wasn’t enough..
    I used to live in a pub, so reporting to a pisshead was a normal thing.
    I can’t fart and chew gum, but push me and I’ll fart and follow through all up on your shit!
    I can chat out of my arse, or yours depending on how I’m feeling.

    Just thought I’d let you get to know me a little bit, but then again it is Friday and I’ve started jelly shots at work early today for motivation.

  13. Angie
    Posted October 11, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    fuck you. hire me. Don’t. Fucked if I care.

    I hate you.

  14. I'm so serious
    Posted October 11, 2013 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    I’m going to cut right to the chase Dom. Can I call you Dom? I feel like we just have that type of connection, like we really understand each other. I live in the US, and this place totally blows, it blows hard. Have you seen our government? No? Guess what? No one has, because, and here’s the real spoiler, they aren’t working! So yeah, I’m looking to get away.

    Look, I’ll do whatever it takes, nighttime classes with a speech pathologist to learn the accent, I don’t need a flat, you can put me up in council houses for all I care. Just please, get me out of here! Kthnxbye

  15. Fergal Bell
    Posted October 12, 2013 at 2:30 am | Permalink

    Great job ad. Unfortunately I don’t think my wife, bank account or liver would cope with the job requirements.

    • Posted October 12, 2013 at 7:31 am | Permalink

      Nor can mine, but to hell with it. Thanks for the interest anyway, Fergal.

      • Fergal Bell
        Posted October 13, 2013 at 4:05 am | Permalink

        Clearly you’re a man who views limits from the rear view mirror.
        I like your style.

  16. Tonninka
    Posted October 14, 2013 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like my dream job!

  17. Posted October 14, 2013 at 3:34 pm | Permalink

    Hi. I’m from south, extreme south. I’m fat, kind of exotic but not pretty. I’ve 16 years of experience in advertising, none in PR.
    I’ve worked all my clients with a whip. They didn’t appreciate very much, but it was a way of survival on the ads jungle and make good ones. Grey shadows at the time were hilarious yellow.
    Advertising almost killed me so I’m trying audiovisual production now. Don’t know exactly why, but I am.
    I’m bad ass, but damn good being bad. Never aired a campaign I wasn’t proud of.
    Need to improve my Engrish and I don’t have money for a flight if you call me for an interview.
    I don’t fart but I can try and I’ve never been jailed. Send me a bottle of nice scotch and I’ll do my best!
    Sunny regards,
    Magie
    ps: need a movie?

  18. Isabel
    Posted October 14, 2013 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    Hey, Dominic. Just saw your LinkedIn pic. You’re not fat.

    • Posted October 14, 2013 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

      Everyone in the office says I am. I need a Portugal branch.

      • Isabel
        Posted October 14, 2013 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

        Well, prior to have a Portuguese branch, you should hire a Portuguese. We still dress like Tony Ferrino and I have a similar moustache.

  19. Isabel
    Posted October 14, 2013 at 4:49 pm | Permalink

    I just want to congratulate you for the most creative job ad I’ve ever read. When you open an office in Portugal, I’ll be very interested!

    • Posted October 14, 2013 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

      Thanks Isabel! I really only wrote it to entertain myself but then someone else found it funny.

  20. Pedro
    Posted October 17, 2013 at 11:47 am | Permalink

    I´m based in Portugal, don´t have all those skill´s, my past was selling Mercedes -Benz, owner of real estate agency, and since 2010 i just took (from 0) 8 months to launch myself a brand and concept to export food products, fight every fk…g day in the market, studied MKT, RPP, and now graphic design, love London, need to earn money and love to learn!
    Maybe one day we meet each other in a police cell. ;)

    • Posted October 17, 2013 at 12:11 pm | Permalink

      Pedro, you sound like a man after my own heart – thanks for the interest. If we don’t end up in a cell together, I’m sure we’ll end up in hell together!

  21. Ed
    Posted October 23, 2013 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    Wotcha cockmuncher.

    I’ve got the booze and the bugle. Gimme a job.
    You’ll have to pay me under the table though as it’ll fuck with me benefit payments otherwise.
    Nice one.

  22. Posted November 11, 2013 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    I really REALLY, do not want this job, or to work this guy as a manager, or to even leave this post. That is literally the only three fucks I can give in any given week and now they are all used up…When do I start?

  23. Posted October 12, 2013 at 7:32 am | Permalink

    Thanks champ, and hope all well.

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