Top London PR agency, Just In Time PR, is recruiting.
We’re looking for a ‘Senior Account Manager’, whatever the hell that is.
So if you’d like to work for a company run by a fat bloke with a drink problem and a moral compass that only ever points south, you can apply here today.
Well, not all of you.
If you have principles and take offence easily, then this role categorically won’t be for you.
Guardian readers, teetotallers and anyone who believes in the afterlife almost certainly won’t fit in.
Not that we’d give them the time of day anyway.
OK, so here we go. Your chances of landing the job will rise with each box below that you tick.
My perfect CV
- You’ll be on anti-depressants, and probably will have been for a number of years. People who need drugs to keep them going are generally the most interesting.
- You couldn’t care less about global warming. In fact, if a meteorite the size of Mexico slammed into our planet tomorrow, you’d rejoice.
- You’ve got panache. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if you have a first class degree from Cambridge or a Grade 4 CSE in pottery: a bit of swagger and a disturbed sense of humour are all we’re looking for. In 30 years’ time I’ll be as dead as the stars so I need to get my laughs in now.
- You’ll have an alcohol problem. OK, maybe not quite Leaving Las Vegas as you’re no use to me in a vase, but you’ve certainly got it in you and are only ever one drink away from oblivion. Your entire character will change after round number 7 and all hell will let loose.
- You’ll have had a number of run-ins with the law and will have spent at least one night in a police cell. A history of drunken disorderly is ideal.
- You’ll be unafraid to express yourself openly in the office, however bankrupt and distressing your views. Moderation and a sense of perspective are not tolerated.
- You can fart and chew gum at the same time*.
So, the list above should give you an idea of what we’re looking for. If it doesn’t, I’m not quite sure where this is going.
Maybe try the third sector.
Oh, and if you still feel you’re suited to this role, then for Christ’s sake don’t send an email or call me. Just rock up, barge past security and grab a desk.
There’s plenty of them because we’re losing staff at a rate of knots.
I’m joking, of course. We’re actually lovely people who will employ anyone from anywhere, whatever their worldview and political leanings. Someone even wore patchouli oil in the office once and nobody said a thing. We’re actually growing, too (I know, I can’t believe it myself).
*I didn’t say this, President Lyndon B. Johnson did, about future President Gerald Ford.
Update: if you’d like to see the two best cover letters sent in response to this job ad, you can read them here.
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