Best PR agency, Just In Time PR, v. fussy clientwise

Here at the UK’s best PR agency, Just In Time PR, we’re very fussy about the clients we work with.

We believe life is too short to spend time with people you can’t stand.

So to avoid any embarrassing phone calls, here’s a list of all the people we won’t work with.

If you’re on it, please don’t contact us. Ever. Punch yourself in the face, too, because you deserve it.

(Nb: When dealing with HNWs and UHNWs, further underwriting may be required and we may make an exception to the rules outlined below, even if you break all of them.)

People we won’t ever take on as clients

  • Russians. For the simple reason that you can’t trust them. “Never trust a Russian,” Field Marshall Montgomery once said. Or maybe that was never march on Moscow. Same thing anyway, pretty much.
  • Anyone over 48 working in showbiz.
  • Guardian readers. Fact: no-one with money or any kind of business know-how reads the Grauniad so they’re certainly not client material for us.
  • Anyone who uses joss sticks (see above). Again, likely to be brassic anyway. Not much use to the best PR agency the world has ever seen: Just In Time PR.
  • Anyone who practises DIY. If you take pleasure in holding a drill to a wall, or know how to plumb a sink in, you should DYI as we see it: do yourself in. You’re going nowhere in life.
  • People who drink reasonable levels of alcohol and lead a balanced, moderate life.
  • Anyone who meditates. The tormented soul is a healthy one, as Nietzsche once never said.
  • Anyone over 80. What’s the point? It’s lights out soon anyway and you can’t send cheques from hell.
  • People who are at one with the world. Since when was anyone with any kind of oomph or ‘je ne sais quoi’ at one with the cruel world? The sun comes up even when a thousand people died the night before. How’s that right?
  • Companies that say “I will speak to the board and get back to you” when we know full well there is no sodding board.

Best PR agency EVERRR

OK, so if you didn’t appear on the list above, congratulations, you now have an agreement in principle and can call us to seek out our PR services.

If you did, take a walk, loser.

Only kidding! We’re lovely, really, and will work with anyone, irrespective of politics, race, gender, dress sense, age and location (well, as long as they’re solvent).

I even read the Guardian myself once and we used to have a Russian client back in the day. In fact, we LOVE the Russians because they drink hard, don’t take any shit and give two fingers to the NSA.

Now that lot truly are arseholes.

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17 Comments

  1. David Wilson
    Posted September 10, 2013 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    Congratulations!

    I admire your words and your courage to say them.

    I had the misfortune to work in the NHS for 3 years after the 1990 depression. There, at job interviews it is recommended to have a copy of the Grauniad sticking out of your briefcase. ‘Nuff said, the NHS can’t manage itself out of a paper bag.
    David

  2. Marion
    Posted September 11, 2013 at 7:30 am | Permalink

    What’s wrong with the National Sheep Association?

  3. Posted September 11, 2013 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    I don’t need PR but you made(gave me the option to)me laugh, which I don’t do very much.

    • Posted September 11, 2013 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

      Well job done in that case. All this blog post was ever intended to do was make people laugh. Thanks!

  4. Posted September 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    I think this blog post sounds a lot better when it’s taken in the context of your quotes that I read in the Telegraph article where I found this blog post. Hope you don’t mind if I quote you here:

    I hope I’m one of the pleasant, decent people to work with.
    That’s why I started Satago, so you can at least work with the clients that are going to pay you on time. In defence of Russians, I have to say that most of the guys who have built my site are all Russian, and I find them very trust-worthy.

    • Posted September 11, 2013 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

      Hi Steven, I have nothing against Russians at all. I could just have well chosen French, Germans, Americans, Italians or Columbians. Russians came into my head because I’d recently been reading a book on Barbarossa. As I think I say at the bottom of my blog post, I admire the Russians because they say it as it is and do what the hell they goddam want. They’re a strong, not a pampered nation like most are these days.

      • Posted September 11, 2013 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

        That’s why I like working with them as well. They aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong. I hate “yes men”.

      • Posted September 16, 2013 at 2:55 am | Permalink

        You can’t trust the French, never fired a shot when the Germans marched into Paris.

  5. s
    Posted September 11, 2013 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    Read your article on Yahoo. I’m in showbiz. I’m not over 48. But I think it’s very worrying that you wouldn’t consider working with someone over 48 in showbiz. You are somehow above Prince and Sting? You’re only interested in the trendy young new thing? Why would anyone want to work with a PR company who places more importance on age than product and quality of person or talent?

  6. Posted September 12, 2013 at 6:39 am | Permalink

    Absolutely hits the mark! Should our firm get to the point where it needs a PR firm, we’ll be camped out on your doorstep!

  7. Brian
    Posted September 12, 2013 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    Sometimes read the Guardian, especially MBM, have done DIY and worked in middle management, am over 48 but miss out on the showbiz, Russian categories. Giggled happily while reading above. More pet hates please!

  8. Posted September 30, 2013 at 10:17 am | Permalink

    The relationship between customer and organization should not be inactive. Clients should inform the agency what messages they would like to promote and compose suggestion on where they would like to come into view.

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