Here at the UK’s best PR agency, Just In Time PR, we’re very fussy about the clients we work with.
We believe life is too short to spend time with people you can’t stand.
So to avoid any embarrassing phone calls, here’s a list of all the people we won’t work with.
If you’re on it, please don’t contact us. Ever. Punch yourself in the face, too, because you deserve it.
(Nb: When dealing with HNWs and UHNWs, further underwriting may be required and we may make an exception to the rules outlined below, even if you break all of them.)
People we won’t ever take on as clients
- Russians. For the simple reason that you can’t trust them. “Never trust a Russian,” Field Marshall Montgomery once said. Or maybe that was never march on Moscow. Same thing anyway, pretty much.
- Anyone over 48 working in showbiz.
- Guardian readers. Fact: no-one with money or any kind of business know-how reads the Grauniad so they’re certainly not client material for us.
- Anyone who uses joss sticks (see above). Again, likely to be brassic anyway. Not much use to the best PR agency the world has ever seen: Just In Time PR.
- Anyone who practises DIY. If you take pleasure in holding a drill to a wall, or know how to plumb a sink in, you should DYI as we see it: do yourself in. You’re going nowhere in life.
- People who drink reasonable levels of alcohol and lead a balanced, moderate life.
- Anyone who meditates. The tormented soul is a healthy one, as Nietzsche once never said.
- Anyone over 80. What’s the point? It’s lights out soon anyway and you can’t send cheques from hell.
- People who are at one with the world. Since when was anyone with any kind of oomph or ‘je ne sais quoi’ at one with the cruel world? The sun comes up even when a thousand people died the night before. How’s that right?
- Companies that say “I will speak to the board and get back to you” when we know full well there is no sodding board.
Best PR agency EVERRR
OK, so if you didn’t appear on the list above, congratulations, you now have an agreement in principle and can call us to seek out our PR services.
If you did, take a walk, loser.
Only kidding! We’re lovely, really, and will work with anyone, irrespective of politics, race, gender, dress sense, age and location (well, as long as they’re solvent).
I even read the Guardian myself once and we used to have a Russian client back in the day. In fact, we LOVE the Russians because they drink hard, don’t take any shit and give two fingers to the NSA.
Now that lot truly are arseholes.
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